Spontaneous, Not

Recently Golden Boy and I went on a “date” with another couple. We have only recently met them, it was our first outing as a foursome, and it did feel a lot like a date: Everyone was working hard to be charming and interesting, and trying to deduce whether we might make good Couple Friends.

As any member of a couple knows, finding Couple Friends can be challenging. It’s always hard to find a foursome that can mix harmoniously, without any two members bonding more than the other two. In our case, usually this means that GB, who is gregarious and fun-loving, gets along famously with his male counterpart, while I, being shy and prickly, can’t quite make friends with the female counterpart. (There haven’t been a lot of opportunities for us to explore being Couple Friends with queer couples … hmm, I wonder if that would solve everything.) At any rate, we keep looking for two people who would like to enter that special, close relationship with us.

This recent couple date was going so well that GB proposed that we go from the restaurant where we were having dinner, to another place for dessert. But, when we arrived at the dessert place it was closed. Other Couple said, “you should just come to our house, we live nearby” … so we followed them back to their place.

When we walked inside, it was like a spread from a high end home design magazine: beautifully furnished and decorated, and spotless. I can’t do justice to what an amazing, unique, and impressive home they have. And, even more impressive: they’ve lived there only a few months! Golden Boy and I have been in our house for four years and there are rooms we’ve never decorated, boxes we still haven’t unpacked.

Did I mention it was spotless?

Other Couple then proceeded to whip up some dessert for us on the spot … and I don’t mean opening a box of Oreos or even baking some Betty Crocker brownies. I’m talking fancy, delicious, home cooked dessert.

Driving home that night, GB and I marveled at what we had just experienced: spontaneous entertaining. GB joked that we could entertain spontaneously if we had at least 6 hours of advance warning, because that is about as much time as we would require to clean our house and make it fit to be seen by outsiders.

I laughed at this and agreed … but by the time we got home, I was angry. We walked into our house and the contrast was glaring: our house was filthy, really embarrassingly dirty. Yes, it was the end of a long work week and we hadn’t had time to clean it. Yes, we did spend most of the following day cleaning the house — after which, it was moderately presentable. But, the idea that there are people out there whose lives are such that they live in clean, well organized, decorated and classy homes to which they can invite people at a moments notice … well, it pissed me off. How is that possible? Okay, maybe they have a cleaning person — and clearly, I still do not. But, even so … their lifestyle just seems alien to my own. My life involves dunes of pet hair in the corners, dirty dishes stacked in the sink, nothing to offer guests to eat or drink, holes in the wall from incomplete home repair projects, old and cheap furniture, dust on every surface.

Needless to say, while I liked Other Couple very much, I don’t see us becoming bosom friends. I need my friends to be just a little bit more real.

P.S. For those of you who are wondering: Other Couple don’t have children … but neither do we, and our house is still a mess.

Blood Donation

I started giving blood when I was in high school. The blood bank would set up shop in the school auditorium and students could get a pass to skip a class and give blood. Skipping class was a serious incentive, but I was also motivated by a simplistic kind of altruism. As a teenager, I thought highly of myself and my commitment to “help others,” and didn’t really notice that I didn’t do much to help others, except give blood every now and again. Still, it made me feel good about myself: I’m O-Neg, the universal donor type, and I lacked a certain antibody, which meant my blood could go to children — so: saving children! Yea me!

Incidentally, this was the time in my life when my career goal was to become a diplomat in Paris. I had no idea what this meant, other than an imaginary image I had of myself striding through the streets of Paris in devastatingly cool clothes, on “serious” and “important” matters, including saving the lives of innocent children, or maybe animals.

Anyway, when I went to college, I continued to give blood pretty regularly. It just became one of those things that I did.

Then, in grad school, I started having problems giving blood. Two times in a row, I fainted afterwords. It was really scary. Looking back, it seems clear that I wasn’t taking good care of myself — I was in grad school after all. I went through periods in which I was working out too much, or not working out at all — when I was eating too much and really bad food, or starving myself to lose weight. I shouldn’t have been giving blood … but I did, I fainted, I got scared, I tried again, I fainted again, I got really scared, I stopped giving blood.

Years pass.

Last month, when my relative passed away, family and friends gathered together to mourn and tell stories about him. One of the things I learned about my relative was that he had been giving blood regularly at his local blood bank … for YEARS. In fact, some of the staff from the blood bank came to the visitation. This was something I hadn’t known about him, and it really touched me. It seemed very out of character of the man that I knew — and revealed something very selfless and wonderful about him. Learning this fact also made me reflect on why I wasn’t giving blood: I think it is an essentially good act, but I don’t do it — why not?

Last week, the blood bank buses showed up on the Unnamed U. campus. They come regularly — probably to your campus too — but I’ve walked past them for years without a second glance, too wrapped up in my busy life to even consider going in.

Last week, I went in. I gave blood. I did not faint. I felt fine. In fact, I felt great: It was a tribute to my lost relative and maybe also one to my younger, naive self. I’ve made a new commitment to give blood whenever I can — to take advantage of the fact that the blood bank comes to my work, how convenient is that! — and to remember that even the smallest actions can make a difference.

Not Blogging

… because it is only the second week of classes here at Unnamed U. and I am already exhausted, cranky, stressed out, and full of resentment. Who wants to listen to that crap? Not me.

In lieu of an actual blog post, a music video (how retro!). This is the song that’s been playing the most in my iPod lately, and I kinda feel like the giant, misunderstood woman in the video.

Seven Things

Finally taking up Ink’s invitation to participate in the Seven Things I Haven’t Blogged About Before meme.

1. I became a vegetarian a few years ago and it’s a decision I feel good about … but that hasn’t stopped me from fantasizing about eating a really excellent cheeseburger, with fries and a chocolate shake. All I have to say is that it is a good thing I don’t live anywhere near an In n’ Out.

2. The one vegetable I have a really hard time consuming: mushrooms. Say it with me now: yuuuuuukkkkkkkyyyyy!

3. I grew up in a conservative, religious household and we didn’t have a TV on the theory that this would keep us (my siblings and I) from becoming corrupted by worldly matters. However, instead of staying virtuous and devout, I became completely obsessed with watching TV and would cultivate friendships with other kids I didn’t really like, as a pretext for hanging out at their houses and watching their TVs. In other words, I can thank my parents for my current TV addiction.

4. If I could live anywhere in the world, Santa Cruz CA would be a serious contender.

5. I sometimes wonder if I would love my pets less if they weren’t so beautiful. When we rescued our dog, we had no idea what breed she was – so no idea whether she was going to be small and goofy, or large and intimidating. She blossomed into one of the most beautiful dogs ever (really – it’s not just my opinion) and I sometimes wonder how much her startling physical beauty is what makes me love her. Ditto for my gorgeous cats – I feel blessed to share my home with such amazing creatures.

6. I hate people who, when they see you for the first time after a while – such as on the first day of the new semester – comment immediately on your appearance. Thank you, I needed to be reminded that you are surveying my physical exterior for signs of improvement or further deterioration.

7. I’m pretty much set on having a green burial when the time comes. Just throw me in the ground and let nature take its course. As Whitman says, “I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love, / If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.”

Bibliography Help

Okay, so this post feels like an abrupt shift from my previous one but, what can I say? Life goes on. Classes resume. Deadlines loom. Technological quandaries frustrate.

I call upon the wisdom of the interwebs: If you have multiple bibliographies in Word, is there an easy or slightly less painful way of merging them into one alphabetically arranged document?

Lesson in Perspective

I chose “Perspective” as my 2010 theme, thinking ahead to the tenure challenge I have this year, thinking about how I don’t want professional stresses and responsibilities to distract me from the things I truly value. However, the universe has sent me a much more profound message about perspective than I had anticipated.

Someone I loved died last week, a relative, in a particularly terrible way. It has been a heart-wrenching time, involving experiences I have never had before such as selecting a casket and writing an obituary, dealing with all the logistical details that are necessitated by an unexpected loss. I have been surrounded by howling grief, dumb-founded aftershock, anger and confusion. I have sought to care for the people most profoundly affected — and usually found myself unable to do more than say all the usual things and just hope that they can survive to see a brighter day.

The lessons I learned are ancient ones about the value of family, of love and friendship, about the need to care for one another, about the need to tell people how much they mean to you, how valuable their lives are — before it’s too late.

I’m sad today, but wiser — and, let me tell you, the last thing on my mind is tenure.

Girls Who Wear Glasses

I’ve worn glasses since college. I tried out contact lenses a couple of times, but never with good results. Over the years, I have become reconciled to the fact that I require glasses, accepting that wearing them increases my geek factor (already high) and decreases my sex appeal (already low).

While I never thought to look like Marilyn Monroe …

I did think I could look like Tina Fey …

… who actually looks pretty steamy in this picture, IMO. I’m thinking more of the really geeky version of Tina Fey.

Last week, however, I went in for an eye exam and was told that I need bifocals. BIFOCALS! I am in my THIRTIES and I need BIFOCALS! This news has been hard to take. I am grappling with the whole getting older experience — with the onset of wrinkles, my increasingly gray hair, the extra pounds I cannot seem to shed, my annoyance with young people and their shitty music and bad manners … but this bifocals thing really shook me up and made me feel like I’m on the cusp of ancient old womanhood … that any day now I’ll be one of those elderly ladies with several sets of glasses hanging around my neck on beaded chains.

Or like this lady.

My optometrist wrote me a prescription for “progressive lenses,” which is apparently what they call bifocals these days so they sound hip and cool and less geezerish. This morning, I went to the eyeglasses store where I’ve bought my glasses over the past couple of years to shop for new frames. When I asked the young assistant to help me find frames that would work for “progressive lenses,” she looked sad and started to tell me about all the limitations I faced. Turns out, according to this young woman, that only a very few frames would work — and she proceeded to point me to approximately four possibilities out of their entire stock. And, yes, they were hideous: huge, ugly, old lady glasses.

I asked her if there were any options that were smaller, more trendy, and, um, not so ugly — but she assured me there were not. She basically wished me luck.

I left feeling rather weepy and sorry for myself. Here I was, confronting my future as an aging woman with only the further deterioration of my appearance to look forward to.

But, there is another eyeglasses shop in this same shopping center, so I decided I should at least look there — but I wasn’t very hopeful. However, at this store — yes, it was LensCrafters. I know! — there was an immensely helpful employee who, when I explained my piteous situation, launched into action and pulled out about forty different glasses for me to try on. She was very blunt in her assessment of the different styles, colors, and sizes, got really involved in my shopping experience, and, together, we eventually we settled on a pair that are small, trendy, and actually pretty cute. Probably not incidentally, she was a woman in her sixties who was wearing progressive lenses herself.

I won’t get the actual glasses for a while and I’m always worried when I buy new glasses that they won’t look that good when I finally get them. And, yes, I am worried about learning how to navigate the world with “progressive lenses” and I am still unhappy about getting old and having wonky eyesight. But I feel a little less fatalistic — and very grateful to this wonderful woman who didn’t treat me like I was beyond help.

Now if I can just get Golden Boy to make a pass at me …

2010: Perspective

I’ve never adopted a theme for a year before, but I’m inspired by Profgrrrl. Reading her recent post on her selected theme for 2010 (renaissance), and the comments of many of her readers who have adopted equally thought-provoking ones, I wondered to myself, “what would be my theme for 2010?” And I knew instantly what it would be … which said to me: you’ve got to a theme, whether you realize it or not.

So, my theme for 2010 is Perspective, as in: Keeping an accurate perspective on things, not letting certain things get over-inflated, appear to be more important than they are, but rather seeing things clearly, perceiving honestly, and placing value where it truly deserves to be placed.

I have two major life goals for 2010: getting my book published and getting tenure. But, I don’t want these things to take over my whole life — or to falsely perceive that they ARE my whole life. I want to stay focused on the fact that they are incidental experiences — important, yes; worthwhile, certainly — but not more important than my relationships, my mental/emotional/physical heath, being creative and curious, etc.

This is one of things that yoga teaches: how to look honestly at yourself. When you are in a difficult pose, only you know whether you are really mentally focused (or thinking about how quickly you can get out of the pose), whether you are really striving to do it well/correctly (or allowing yourself to slack off). Yoga practice is intended to develop a habit of the mind that sees truly, to see the truth of things and not deny your own shortcomings … but to acknowledge them and recommit to being/doing better. I always try to implement this lesson in my whole life — but this year, in particular, it is a practice that will be necessary for my peace of mind.

BKS Iyengar writes, “The yogic action is an action that is absolutely unfettered by past habit and without desire for personal reward for the future” (Light on Life, p. 137). That’s the kind of pure, truthful perspective I want to pursue in 2010.

Situation Normal

It is Saturday January 2nd, 2010 … and life is finally returning to normal. The past 3 weeks have been anything but normal, what with the holidays, traveling, shopping/spending money, eating too much, sleeping in strange places (and not well), being away from my home and my pets … a situation that I know many of you have been experiencing as well.

Today is the first day when I woke up in my own bed, with the prospect of a perfectly normal day ahead. No relatives. No rushing. No where to be. Lovely.

Except … it is also the first day in what is already feeling like a dwindling supply of “vacation days” during which I have an enormous amount of work to do. So, even as I am basking in the peacefulness of the ordinary, I’m also starting to feel anxious about Getting Everything Done before classes start.

I guess this is its own kind of normal, for me anyway. What would my life be, if it weren’t for deadlines, projects, and work?

I have four things I need to do over the next two weeks:

1) Continue to work on Project Tenure Article — which mostly means reading & research, laying the groundwork for writing.

2) Read 2 novels I am teaching in my grad seminar next semester, that I have never read before. (Why did I assign such long, boring novels???)

3) Revise two pieces of writing that urgently need revision.

4) Prep syllabuses & reading materials for next semester.

Hello, 2010! You’re going to keep me busy, aren’t you?

2009 Brave Year Meme

Last year, I initiated the Brave Year Meme. (Read the initial post, which provides some background, here.) In contrast to New Year’s Resolutions, which are all about looking forward and, usually, setting absurdly high goals for the following year, this meme invites you to reflect upon what you did over the past year that is worth acknowledging, celebrating, and recording.

So, what are the bravest things you did in 2009?

***

To answer my own question: I can’t say 2009 ranks as my bravest year. Overall, I think I backed away from some challenges rather than vigorously seeking to overcome them — but that’s something I can work on next year.

Nevertheless, these are my bravest accomplishments this year and worth commemorating:

1. Paid off my credit card debt. This did not actually require much bravery in 2009, but I am giving myself credit for the many years before when I made difficult choices about savings and spending in order to shunt as much of my income towards my debt as I could. This year I witnessed the payoff — and it’s one of my proudest moments.

2. Did not give into massive depression when faced with a professional failure. This was remarkable because it breaks a longstanding pattern; for years, any and every setback around my book could throw me into a dark and pervasive funk. This time, I grieved and griped and doubted my abilities … and then I dusted myself off and got back to work.

3. Asked for help. I am not an asker for help. I am a solitary, introverted person who generally prefers to do everything myself, to not reveal my limitations to others, and to plunge ahead on my own, whatever the consequences. But, this time, after my professional failure, I asked LOTS of people for help: called on old friends, on new friends, on my beautiful blogging community, on colleagues, on colleagues’ colleagues … and, as a result, got much good advice but, more importantly, the support I really needed. (Thank you!)

What about you?