WTF?

The season finale of your show, Bones, was an absolute schizophrenic mess. Yours is a television series that I watch haphazardly while I’m waiting for better shows like The Closer to come back on. But, I was lured in by David Boreanaz (yes, I’m a Buffy fan — you were counting on that, right?) and occasionally checked back to see what the “Bones” character was up to. She’s a refreshing change from the bimbo-heads on most television and I’ll take my quasi-feminist characters* wherever I can find them.

But, what was that mess you put on TV on Monday? It was as if the episode was written by several individuals who were locked in separate rooms, unable to communicate with each other, and unaware of what the others were doing.

Writer #1 was commissioned to compose the first part of this two part masterpiece — the episode from last week about an obsessive fat woman who shoots Sealy in a fit of jealousy over the beautiful (and thin!) Bones. Not a great episode — too many hi-larious American Idol references for my taste — but not completely terrible, especially when compared to this week’s offering.

Writer #2 had the task of trying to dig the show out of the damn hole you got yourselves in when you allowed Sealy to get shot. This author’s genius plan included teasing the viewer in a completely half-hearted way about whether he was really dead (the suspense was killing me!), a laughable faux funeral — and the whole thing explained away by the umbrella term “state secrets.” I think this author is also guilty of the bathtub scene that was intended to play out the consequences of the faked death through some really uncomfortable and totally un-sexy nudity humor.

Writer #3 was tasked with the job of somehow extricating the psychiatrist character, Sweets, from his intended role as the bad guy who’s infiltrated the lab. I don’t know why you changed your minds about Sweets — he was the one of the most conspicuous “red uniform” patsys of all time — but a little mindless banter, another convenient bad guy, and suddenly he’s a show regular. What happened? Did you take a poll of adolescent boys, discover that they really relate to this toothy psychiatrist and decide to keep him on?

Writer #4 was ordered to somehow take two long-time and solid characters and make them seem like possible murder suspects. Good grief. Did your acting directions say simply: look ominious, even if you’re just scratching your butt? The choice to make Zack the bad guy who’s infilatrated the lab was just so badly handled — and his assertations that his master’s logic was infalible thus his murderous actions were justified just so goddamn absurd — you really blew that one.

Writer #5 had the unenviable job of wrapping up the agonizingly stupid Gormogon evil-genius-mastermind-nemisis storyline — and apparently told to do so in under five minutes. So, even if your viewers had suffered through this endless, convoluted, and confusing story, you gave them absolutely nothing for their trouble. Who was Gormogon? No one important. What were his motives? Completely logical, but we won’t bother burdening you with that logic. How quickly can this plot be disposed of? Very quickly indeed!

I suspect that it has taken me longer to write this blog post than it took you, dear writers, to compose the entirety of that atrocious episode.

Thanks a lot.

* I don’t actually think Bones qualifies as a feminist. Despite all her hyperrational commentary on the absurdity of marriage, reproduction, and romantic love (which, yes, I do enjoy), she’s a too committed to conventional beauty to be a feminist. Plus, she really, really needs a cheeseburger.