… we’re not married.”

This is a phrase that I’ve said a lot lately. Although Golden Boy and I have been together for many years, we’re not married and I seem to be constantly correcting people who assume that we are. I guess we seem married. We’re not that young any more so we don’t fit into the youthful “just living together” time frame. We bought a house and, ever since, I think we’ve developed that complacent sheen that goes along with suburban living and that appears to reek of marriage. We’re straight, so we could and, in some people’s view, should be married. We don’t have any external markers of alternative-ness: no tattoos, nose rings, purple hair to indicate that we’re rebellious. Yeah, we seem like a nice old married couple.

But, we’re not — and not being married is a deliberate, conscious decision on our part.** We don’t want to be married for many reasons, primarily having to do with a rejection of social norms: heteronormativity, female subordination, conventional religion, and the absurd psycho-drama that is the modern wedding. We have elected to remove ourselves from those conventions, at least as much as we can.

The funny (or annoying … or perhaps inevitable) thing is how much other people want to put us right back in there.

It’s not that big of a deal when the checker at the grocery store calls me GB’s wife, but it takes on more significance in other contexts. Many of my colleagues refer to GB as my husband — so many and so often that, frankly, I’ve given up correcting them because it’s tiresome to keep repeating myself. But, then I feel guilty, like I’ve slipped into conventionality rather than sticking by my guns.

It doesn’t help that there are no good terms for describing an unmarried straight couple. I call GB my partner but that often necessitates further explanations that we’re not a queer couple. I don’t mind being mistaken for a lesbian but, once again, I feel like I’m getting credit for being what I’m not. Given the incredible adaptability of the English language, it’s amazing that a new term hasn’t developed to fill this gap.

And, of course, the phrase “Actually, we’re not married” often has to be followed up by some lame caveat along the lines of “But, we don’t have anything against marriage! We’ve got lots of married friends!” to placate the hurt feelings of the married set. It’s amazing how many people are offended by our unmarried-ness — I’ve lost several friendships over it, but that’s another story. And don’t even get me started on our families.

The fact is, we do have something against the institution of marriage! The Dyke Action Machine coined the great, provocative line: “Gay marriage. You might was well be straight.” I’ve always thought there should be a hetero-version too: “Straight marriage. You might was well be … well, straight and married.” ****

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** We live in a state with extremely liberal common-law marriage rules, so we’ve taken legal steps to guarantee that we won’t be inadvertently married by the state.

**** I’m not saying I’m against gay marriage, okay? Put away all those poison pens. I am absolutely in favor of the right of gay marriage and will vote for it if I ever have a chance. I just don’t agree with the idea that heterosexual marriage should be the desired model for any kind of relationship.