Time again for my bi-annual Personal Appearance Crisis.
Ten months out of the year I couldn’t care less about how I look. I’m a pretty poor dresser, always choosing convenience and comfort over fashion. I’m a few wee pounds overweight. I’m going very slowly grey but I can’t be bothered to do more to my hair than wash it, squish a little gel into it, and let it dry. I’ve pretty much stopped wearing cosmetics because, as I’ve said before, they’re evil. Yes, I think it is fair to say that I look terrible but most of the time I just don’t notice.
To borrow this catchy phrase from Clio Bluestocking, I am an “aging nerd girl.” Say it proud, sister.
However, twice a year I take a closer look at myself and feel an urgent need to spiff up. Because I’ve been a student or teacher for basically my whole life, those two times of the year coincide with the start of the Fall semester and the start of the Winter semester.** I have a whole “back to school” anxiety that strikes me as I think about going into new classrooms with new students, into new meetings with new administrators, etc. I am suddenly thrown out of my usual appearance complacence into a desperate desire to be fashionable and look stunning.
(The fact that I know that this P.A.C. will pass as quickly as it comes, because once classes start I will be too harried and exhausted to even think about something as trivial as clothes, doesn’t serve as a comfort … so bear with me.)
The immediate cause for this year’s P.A.C. are my new glasses. Despite what I’ve just said about my fashion complacence, I actually do take buying new glasses seriously. After all, I’ll wear them all day long. On. My. Face. So, I do try to pick glasses that are flattering and fashionable.
Last week, I bought new glasses and spent about 24 hours walking around feeling really pretty. But ever since then I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror and saying: Oh shit. What was I thinking? I’m afraid they’re TOO stylish, too much, an overload of personality on my rather unprepossessing face. What do you do when your glasses are too cool for you?
Basically, I’ve been feeling like I need to upgrade EVERYTHING in order to get away with these glasses: new wardrobe, new body, new attitude. A whole new me.
Either that or take them back to the store.
A bad sign: Today I had lunch with a long-time friend and she didn’t say anything about my new glasses. I think we all know what that means. Sigh.
Once upon a time I worked harder on my personal appearance but a couple of things have happened in the intervening years: I’m getting older and, kids, it just starts to seem really silly after a certain point. Also, I’ve become more committed to an environmental and anti-consumerist lifestyle — which makes it very hard to justify things like 300 pairs of shoes or lots of cool eyeshadow. And, the more I learn about and embrace yogic philosophies, the more I believe that this body is merely temporary — the soul is eternal — so who’s gonna get worked up over something as fleeting as how this body looks today?
Even so, I been studying my face in the mirror, fluffing my hair into new (and, frankly, terrifying) shapes, pawing through the clothes in my closet, and generally feeling that I need to devote a lot of time and money to my appearence.
Don’t worry. It won’t last. But, stay tuned for January!
** Sometimes I have a mini-P.A.C., brought about by a conference that suddenly reminds me that people in the audience will be looking at me. I usually forget that this is the case with my students.
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August 6, 2008 at 1:10 am
cliobluestocking
Aging Nerd Girs Unite!
Ah yes, I know the PAC very well! And the glasses thing, too. Sometimes, they wear me.
August 6, 2008 at 1:42 am
New Kid on the Hallway
Can I say, the PAC is even worse for me this year, since I’m going to a totally new school where I know no one yet? They have no impressions of me already in place – I might be able to fool them into thinking I have a fashion clue!
August 6, 2008 at 3:21 am
k8
How old do we need to be before we can be considered “aging” nerd girls?
I get the same way about my glasses. Nothing else matters that much but I must like my glasses. Sometimes people don’t notice right away when the frames change, though. I think sometimes people think that something is different, but they aren’t sure what it is.
August 6, 2008 at 3:13 pm
squadratomagico
I will confess that I’ve always enjoyed clothes and have what I consider to be a fabulous, though eccentric, wardrobe. But I have PACs that center around weight (those extra pounds that just won’t leave the roost), cosmetics (the only thing I actually know how to apply correctly is eyebrow powder and false eyelashes — & the latter are of little help for street looks), and, usually, hair (though I recently found someone who actually makes my hair look good with minimal maintenance — priceless!).
See, interest in clothes I understand: you have to put something on, so it may as well be fun, look good, and hide those extra pounds. But I don’t get the high maintenance personal grooming cult at all. You spend all that time primping, and then you just have to do it all over again the next day. What’s the point?
August 6, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Notorious Ph.D.
I’m glad you blogged about this: I’ve got an impending p.a.c. myself, due to the fact that I’ve spent an entire fellowship year living in jeans in a city with long winters that enforce inactivity and high-carb diets. As a result, none of my professional clothes fit. NONE. And yet, the semester starts in a month.
August 6, 2008 at 6:42 pm
New Kid on the Hallway
I would love to have a fabulous, though eccentric wardrobe. I think clothes are harder when you don’t have a distinctive personal vision or aren’t comfortable with eccentricity. I’m such a sheep; I want to fit in with what’s currently fashionable, always look appropriate, and not stand out. And yet at the same time, I want to look better than everyone else. Yeah, that doesn’t work very well, somehow! (Especially when you can’t decide what your model group is!)
I actually love the hair and cosmetics elements of appearance, partly because they’re things that don’t depend on my clothes fitting well. (My own PAC about weight is about its constant gradual creep upwards, so clothes that fit one year may not fit so well the next, sigh…) Makeup isn’t dependent on weight. (This is why I also love jewelry.) And for me, the primping is a kind of daily ritual that allows me to face the day – it really is like putting on my “public” face, so I find it very soothing. (I should add that I don’t actually wear a lot of makeup – eyeliner, mascara, face powder, lipstick. I need to learn how to use eyebrow powder, actually, as the brows go gray! And I admire people who put together crazy, creative colored eyeshadows, but will probably never be one of them.) It’s kind of like, once I get the hair and face right, I can relax for the rest of the day. (I also prefer a low-maintenance haircut, but I’ll pay a lot for a GOOD one, because they really are easier to maintain.)
I think glasses must be really hard to choose and adjust to. As a non-glasses wearer, I know it does take me a little while to notice changes in someone’s frames (I know I’ve asked people “are those new glasses???” when they’ve been wearing them 6 months!). I think I’d try to make my glasses simultaneous sexy, glamorous, formal, elegant, professional, intimidating, and welcoming, which… yeah. Again, not practical!
August 6, 2008 at 7:11 pm
bsgirl
Laughing over the phrase “high maintenance personal grooming cult.” Boy, do I know some members of that cult! I’ve never gotten it mostly, I think, because I’m lazy but also because I’ve never had the money (and still don’t) to support an obessive interest in my personal appearance.
When you buy 90% of your clothes at Marshalls … well, you get the picture.