Well, I did not meet my InDWriMo goals for November, barely crossing the 50% mark of my 48 hours of writing/revision goals. Nevertheless, I consider it a successful experiment. I desperately needed some kind of external impetus to get me working on the revisions as, strangely enough, tenure, professional achievement, and closure were not sufficient motivations. I had been in a state of anxiety-stricken avoidance for months. So, any compelling force that could get me to crack the pages of my manuscript and face up to the work ahead is something to be grateful for.

I learned something else during the InDWriMo experience: For months, I had been having strange, terrifying, and visceral fantasies about dangers assailing me or my family. I would wake up in the middle of the night, or during savasana after my yoga practice, or just driving in my car — and find myself imagining murderers or rapists attacking me, killing my loved ones, my pets — just terrible and inexplicable fantasies. I had been trying to remedy this by focusing on the health, safety, well-being, and happiness of my family, practicing gratitude towards all the good parts of my life. But, what brought an end to the fantasies was starting to work on my book revisions. Ever since I started working at the beginning of November, I haven’t had these dark thoughts. It goes to show what a twisted, dysfunctional relationship I have with this book — but the lesson I am taking from this experience is that I needed to face my real fears (not completing the book, not getting tenure, having wasted years on the book, etc.) in order to rid myself of these imaginary fears.

So, thank you, InDWriMo! I hope I won’t have need of you again next year — or, at least, maybe I can do NaNoWriMo instead since my ac. book will be all wrapped up. (Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts.)

Now, if I can just keep up the momentum …