Not for nothing does the title of this blog and my nom de plume emphasize the fact that life is full of conflicting experiences, emotions, and flavors. I wish I could say that they always result in balance — ying and yang, and all that. The past week has instead been more like Clash of the Titans (since I’m going with movie titles, apparently …)
The Good
This is the time of year when I conduct a financial audit of myself, comparing my January 09 finances to my January 08 finances. By “finances” I mean, of course “debt” — basically I force myself to look squarely at just how bad my debt is, an exercise in awareness that is intended to help me be responsible, thrifty, and goal-oriented (the goal being = debt free).
This time last year, my self-audit gave rise to a screed against academic debt. But, this year I have to say I was pleasantly surprised — amazed even. For the first time in more years than I care to count, I made positive financial progress. I neither gained debt nor made only small baby steps. I made HUGE progress — I paid off a HUGE amount of my debt!
How did I do it? I taught summer school, received a small stipend for attending professor summer camp, and put all the extra money to my debt. I did not take a vacation, nor buy anything luxurious, nor complete any major home improvements. So, it was an exhausting year with little tangible rewards … but in the big picture, I’m making progress.
The Bad
I have a class that is seriously under-enrolled. Actually, I’m not the only one — many of my colleagues are in the same boat, and I’ve seen other academic bloggers writing about the same phenomenon on their campuses. So, it would appear that the old chestnut that “bad financial times are good for universities” might have lost some of its accuracy. Anyway, here I am, four days before classes start and I still don’t know what I’m teaching next semester. The two professors in my department who control such scheduling issues are both male senior faculty who have been teaching at my U. for an eternity. Their attitude towards me all week — as I’ve been showing up in their offices, leaving frantic voice mails and emails — has been along the line of: “Whoa there, little lady! What’s all the fuss about? It’ll all work out just fine — don’t you worry your little head, now.” I’ve been trying to not overreact — either to the fact that I don’t know what I’m going to be teaching or to this patronizing attitude — but, um, hello, I would like to know what I’m teaching!! I do not deal well with doing things at the last minute or with the uncertainty that faces me next week. It will seriously give me an ulcer to have to show up to a newly assigned class without a syllabus, a reading list, or even an enrolled group of students. Good grief, I am going to be sweating all weekend …
The Ugly
My yearly self-audit coincides with the Bi-Annual Personal Appearance Crisis. As I wrote about before, the start of each new semester tends to throw me into an uncharacteristic state of anxiety about my looks and wardrobe. This year is particularly bad because I also recently viewed a bunch of holiday pictures and — say it with me, Oprah! — I’ve gotten so fat!! Oh dear, I hate to be like every other American woman, enveloped in self-hatred because I don’t meet an unreasonable beauty standard. I want to be a fierce feminist who takes pride in my mind, my spirit, my accomplishments, my relationships — all the things that really matter — and who embraces my appearance as a natural phenomenon, not something to be judged, evaluated or “fixed.” But, frankly, I feel like I suddenly look old — like sometime in the past year I got the body of a middle-aged woman. “Why would that be a bad thing?” one part of me says. “Because no one will love you,” the other part says. I know that’s a lie; Golden Boy assures me it is a lie (and I love him for it). But, it’s one incredibly powerful, culturally reinforced lie — very hard to resist. So, I am not going to “fix” myself but I am going to try to be healthy … if I can ever figure out how to separate the two.
Welcome to my roller coaster. And I didn’t even mention the fucking book …
3 comments
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January 16, 2009 at 5:24 am
squadratomagico
I’d say on balance the good far outweighs the bad. Congratulations on making HUGE progress on the financial front — that must make you feel really good, particularly in this financial climate, when most folks are moving in the opposite direction.
As for the bad: it will be stressful until the term starts, and then it will be over. This isn’t lastingly bad, as the good is lastingly good.
And in regard to the (so-called) ugly: I have no idea what you look like, but since you do a lot of yoga, your body certainly must be strong and flexible. Focus on that strength, which is a beautiful thing. Enjoy the sensation of control and power that comes with regular physical discipline. That’s makes you far more lovely in my book than some anorexic woman with implants — seriously!
January 16, 2009 at 5:38 am
profacero
I am unable to attain the goal of not caring about weight … trying to not care just sets me up for failing at something (that something being not caring).
January 16, 2009 at 6:01 pm
historiann
Dittos to what profacero and squadratomagico said. There is only so much that one can accomplish in one year, besides having to work and to maintain relationships with friends and family. That you dug yourself out of a mountain of debt seems like a great accomplishment to me. Being physically fit takes time and (sometimes) money: time to work out (which may also take money, at a gym or in classes), and time to shop and cook at home. You worked overtime to make extra money–that probably took a lot of your discretionary time and money. Give yourself a break. (But try, as profacero says, not to beat yourself up if you can’t give yourself a break!)