In a recent post (now redacted) I identified my graduate school. I did this because I wanted to write about the utterly horrific things going on there. I did so knowing the risks of letting my finely crafted anonymity slip even a little bit.

What I did not anticipate, even in my most paranoid imaginings, was that this post would come to the attention of several professors from my graduate program. Who contacted me. Through this blog.

They contacted me out of genuine concern, a shared sense of outrage, a desire to help. The situation at the grad. school is grave and they are clearly working to address it. I applaud them and am doing my own part to help.

But seriously, did they have to read my blog?

I’ve always thought (back to my paranoia) that the worst thing that could happen would be for my blog to be discovered by my graduate students. I had not taken into consideration: faculty from my own graduate program — faculty I may or may not have studied with — who may or may not have actually served on my dissertation committee — who may or may not be people I admire, who I want to impress, who may still have to write me letters of recommendation.

((Cringe))

I like to think that these individuals have more serious concerns than my little ol’ blog. But, I know what I would do if I found a blog written by a former or current grad student in my program … I’d email it to all of my friends/colleagues and say, “Oh my god. Can you believe this?” And, yes, I think I would spend some time poking around the blog trying to crack the mystery of the blogger’s identity.

Given the circumstances at the grad. school, my concerns about my anonymity appear petty — even to me. I know it’s all pretty meaningless in the end. But, I do feel like my blog voice has been impinged. I can’t shake the fear that one of my own professors is reading this — or scrolling back through some of my more self-indulgent, navel-gazing posts and thinking “This is one of OUR graduates? How disappointing.”

So, if I don’t post for a while … now you know why. I’ve got a royal case of blogxiety.