How to convey the extent of my ambiguousness about this blog?
This has been the running dialog in my head the past few days: “Okay, BSG, time to get back to blogging! Think of something interesting to say — maybe some reflections on blogging? Or, what you’ve been up to this summer? But, I don’t have any deep reflections. I haven’t been up to much. So, maybe I don’t have anything to say, after all. Maybe I should just shut the blog down and move on …”
I blame my blogging inactivity on the general malaise that has lain over me all summer, what can be termed “Waiting on Reader’s Reports Paralysis.” Yes, that’s right, I still haven’t gotten a response to my revised manuscript from the press. I was supposed to hear at the end of June and I’m slowing driving myself insane with the waiting … waiting … waiting … Meanwhile, I feel like I can’t start anything new — or even entertain any new ideas — until I know what’s going to happen with the book. This professional paralysis has infected all parts of my life: every morning when I get out of bed, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m at a loss — and all the presumed “free time” feels burdensome and oppressive.
When I am in this state of mind, I think: “I don’t have anything to say and blogging is stupid anyway.” Hrumph.
When I am capable of seeing more clearly, I can recognize what I enjoyed most about blogging: feeling like I was connected (however tenuously) to a community of really smart, thoughtful, interesting, and inspiring individuals. Reading all of your blogs, having a chance to comment on them and receiving your comments here has been so affirming; for some reason, just knowing that all of you EXIST out there in the universe has made me feel differently about the world, more hopeful, more curious.
Yet, I’ve also started to question this aspect of blogging: Do I put more time/energy/effort into preserving and participating in my “relationships” with other bloggers than with my RL relationships and friendships? I have grown increasingly shy and introverted over the past few years, I have fewer and fewer friends that I spend any substantial time with … maybe I am using the blog as a substitute? Isn’t that dangerous and unhealthy?
So, then I think, “I should make building real friendships a priority and shut the blog down.”
On and on it goes. You’ll know as soon as I do whether I will ever have anything worthwhile to say again.
7 comments
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July 11, 2009 at 7:06 pm
squadratomagico
Well, as a somewhat ambivalent blogger myself I can understand your sentiments. But, I missed you and feel genuinely fond of you! I hope you do come back. Blog friendships are real connections, even if they are not quite the same as RL friendships.
July 11, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Flavia
I’m glad you’re back!
And I agree with Squadrato — I’ve made genuine friends through my blog (some of whom I now know IRL, others of whom I don’t).
I also find blogging a useful way of keeping up with non-academic RL friends; a large number of my friends read my blog, and though I don’t know exactly WHY they’d want to read my primarily academic musings, they do, and they feel up on my life as a result. So, blogging can be a way of strengthening/enriching existing friendships, if one has friends who want to participate in your life that way.
July 11, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Sisyphus
You sound maybe a bit depressed, what with the paralysis and getting out of bed stuff … so go do some physical and social things to change things up? … like good summer stuff like little trips or yard projects or go to a county fair or barbecue with friends or go swimming or do more yoga.
Or, strip and repaint and rearrange all your furniture in a project that has much more in the way of tangible results than writing!
Is there any way you can push yourself to be a bit more face-to-face social with people _and_ keep the blog? I like the blog! It shouldn’t have to be one or the other. And I definitely come from the same introverted personality type.
July 13, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Ink
I’m glad you’re back. Though I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling kind of down. Hugs.
I recently took a small break and it made me realize how much I love the interactions with other bloggers. Ideas have been slow in coming for me, post-wise, but I am trying accept that sometimes there’s just more to say than other times.
In any case, I love your posts and hope that you keep posting, when you feel like it!
July 13, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Ink
And ps: I understand the whole oppressive free time issue. Have been trapped under the cloud of a chapter that I promised to produce and have yet to finish. Somehow, though, I just can’t bring myself to work on it right now. Though every day that I don’t work on it, I feel unable to do much else, either. Frustrating space to be in! So…more hugs. (((BSG)))
July 14, 2009 at 5:20 am
pocha
I totally understand the paralysis that sets in when you’re in between projects and/or waiting to hear back from editors. I’m supposed to be reading away for the first chapter of my own book project, but I can’t stop thinking about an essay I submitted, revised, and (just) resubmitted. The essay is *completely* unrelated to my book project, so I feel like they occupy two entirely different sides of my head. Something like that. Take heart: you’re not alone in this particular aspect of the job, the biz, the life.
I’ve got the same feelings about my own blog: half the battle is thinking of something significant to say. FWIW, I am happy you’re back and, like the others, genuinely appreciate your posts.
So, yeah, thanks!
July 17, 2009 at 2:05 pm
maudelebowski
i’m going to ditto what everyone else has said, especially that i’m glad you’re back!
i also agree that blog relationships and IRL relationships shouldn’t have to be one or the other. i started blogging in part because i felt a real disconnect from my IRL friends to begin with, even the academic ones. these are real connections. but i understand how people can feel oppressed by the nature of blogging. i’m the opposite–i’m really out of sorts if i don’t blog, which is why most of my stuff is so self indulgent and non-academic lately (uh for like a year!), which brings me to my next point. maybe sisysphus is right–that’s you’re a little depressed? i know this all too well–not just the mental/professional paralysis you’re feeling right now, but that general feeling of almost literally not being able to move and not knowing what to do with yourself. sometimes i find that blogging about not having anything to blog about helps to clear those clouds. right now my blog has turned really into an expose’ of the mundanity of my life, and people still stick around.
what i’m trying to say is 1) get outside (i should take my own advice), and 2) write what you want when you want. obviously we’re all still here for you when you are around.
i hope you hear back soon about the ms. i hope i’m in your position one day.
maudie