Grumble « The Bitter and the Sweet

clouds

This picture captures my mood today.

I’m in that all-too-familiar state of mind, one I’ve complained about many times on this blog — and yet, here I am again.

It’s Sunday afternoon. I’ve been working pretty much non-stop since I finished my Thursday afternoon classes. I’ve been grading and writing and revising and prepping and there is no goddamn end in sight.

I have not been raking the leaves piling up in my backyard, doing yoga, running errands, cleaning my house, making good meals, or taking any kind of a break.

It’s been a fucking weekend of work and I’m pissed about it.

Once again I am asking myself how I have allowed this scenario to unfold — what choices I have made (including the one to become a professor) to create such a flat, unsatisfying, exhausting life for myself.

In a few weeks, when this awful semester finally ends, I will feel differently, of course. I’ll applaud myself for being a teacher and therefore getting a month off between semesters. I think kindly about my students and look forward to the next semester. I will allow myself to forget how unbelievably hellish it can get, and how shallow my life is most of the time because I’m working so hard I cannot even think about anything, let alone be creative, spontaneous, curious, or alive.

But right now I’m like a raging storm cloud. Watch out for the lightning.

10 comments

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November 1, 2009 at 9:16 pm

Jonathan Jarrett

That sounds, well, like local news. I’ve been writing a lecture this week I don’t really feel familiar with and it’s taken all my time, so I felt so much like this that once the text and handout were done I disappeared to the pub for a few hours with friends to pretend I still had a life. Now back making the presentation. So, yes, really. This is a high-pressure zone. (Which doesn’t explain the clouds.)

November 1, 2009 at 9:20 pm

jo(e)

I feel like I’ve done nothing all weekend except grade papers. Ugh.

I hate that.

November 1, 2009 at 9:29 pm

Lucky Jane

Yeah. I think everyone has peaks and valleys like that, though I like your metaphor better. There was a stretch when I’d involuntarily sigh, “I hate. . .” and mentally fill in the blank with “my job” or “those students” or “this albatrossic manuscript.” The only way I’ve known to cope with it is just not to let myself even get to the second word, so as not to make it true by repetition. This approach may be Pollyannish, but by whatever means necessary, you know.

November 1, 2009 at 10:37 pm

bsgirl

Update: I went for a walk with Golden Boy and the dog. It helped clear up my storm clouds a little bit. I no longer feel like I want to do physical violence to my students — surely a good thing.

November 2, 2009 at 12:09 am

Notorious Ph.D.

You have just summed up my feelings during the entire month of October. But today is November 1, so I’ve decided to be optimistic.

November 2, 2009 at 1:17 am

Ink

*Thank you* for this post. I’ve been feeling strung so tightly that I am practically vibrating with negative tension lately. I don’t ever feel as though I will catch up, the requests to do “extras” keep on rolling in, and I’m just generally furious. Honestly, it SO helps to hear you vent and to know that I’m not alone. Because I have been trying to keep it all inside, and I’m about to ’splode.

But I wish you weren’t stretched to the limit and I wish your weekend had been full of frolicking and fun. *Hugs*

November 2, 2009 at 1:49 pm

“I’ve been feeling strung so tightly that I am practically vibrating with negative tension lately.”

Ink: that says it perfectly.

November 2, 2009 at 6:44 pm

disenchanted

It must be that time of year. I just wrote a blog entry that says pretty much the same thing. Grumble, mumble, grrrr.

November 5, 2009 at 6:03 am

Sounds like we all need a GREAT party… I’ll bring wine!